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Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog
out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any
ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out
there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl
doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he
says, "I don't believe it---where did you get that dog? There really are
only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend
Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to
go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in
it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back
to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he
sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth
and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there
are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
Two guys go hunting. Warren has never gone hunting while Pete has hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Pete tells Warren to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Pete checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Pete hears a blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Warren and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Warren says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
A hunting foursome paired off. Late at night,
Larry returned dragging an eight-point buck.
"Where's Mike?" inquired the other two.
"He had a heart attack a couple miles back up the trail."
"You mean you left Mike to drag the deer back here?"
"Yeah. It was a tough decision, but I figured that nobody would steal
Mike."
Mike
and Larry get lost
One day Mike and Larry were Deer Hunting, and they got lost. Larry
tells Mike "wait, don't panic I learned what to do in case this
happens. Your supposed to shoot up into the air three times and
someone will here you and come with help," "okay" said
Mike. So he shoots three times into the air. They both wait
an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still
no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next
couple of hours. Mike starts to look a little worried, then he
shouts "It better work this time, were down to our last three
arrows!"
Mark says he will never go moose hunting again.
He didn't mind
carrying the big gun, but the 200-pound decoy was a real drag.
When he was fined for using last year's hunting license,
Jerod claimed, "I was only shooting at the ones I missed last
year."
"Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and
arrows. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots and his arrow
flies off three metres to the right. The second shoots and his arrow
flies off three metres to the left. The third statistician jumps up and
down yelling; We got him! We got him!"
Big Game Hunting
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One
evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her
mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to
find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to
look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a
chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself
into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
MONTANA LEGALITIES:
A lawyer was duck hunting in Montana
recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a
duck he had shot. The rancher suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck,
jumped out, and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this duck that I just
shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the
fence, so now it’s mine," replied the rancher.
The lawyer asked the rancher if he knew
who he was talking to. "No", replied the rancher, "I
don’t know, and I don’t care."
"I am a high priced attorney with a
practice in New York. And if you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue
you for your ranch, your truck, your cattle, and everything else you
own. I’ll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the rancher,
"In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law’."
"Never heard of it", said the
lawyer.
The rancher said, "I get to kick you
3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me
back 3 times, that duck is yours".
The lawyer thought this over. He grew up
in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old guy.
"Fair enough", he said.
So the rancher kicked the lawyer violently
in the groin. As he was doubling over, the rancher kicked him in the
face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After
several moments, the lawyer slowly made it back to his feet.
"Alright, now it’s my turn",
said the lawyer.
"Aw, forget it", said the
rancher, "you can have the duck."
GOING HUNTING:
There was a farmer, sitting on the front
porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking
down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says.
"Where ya goin’ with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls,
"this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken
wire—I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!"
"You can’t catch chickens with
chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and
takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure
enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch
the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a
big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells.
"Where ya goin’ with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain’t just any ol’
tape, this here’s duck tape—I’m goin’ huntin' for ducks!"
"You can’t catch ducks with duck
tape!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and
takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again,
the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks
all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer’s sitting on his
porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says,
"Where ya goin’ with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain’t just any old
stick, this here’s pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says,
"I’ll get my hat."
3 Deer
Hunters
Pete, Paul, and Zank are about to go deer hunting. First Pete goes out
and 2 hours later comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did
it, and he said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I
found the deer, I killed the deer."
So then Paul goes out, and 1 hour later he comes back with a deer. They
ask how he did it. He said " I found the tracks, I followed the
tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer."
So then Zank goes out, and 2 hours later, he comes back beaten and
bruised. The other 2 asked what happened. He said "I found the
tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."
TAKING THE EVIDENCE:
Jason was a hunter from the city and had
just bagged a big buck. Soon after shooting it, the game warden arrived and asked if
he had a hunting license. Jason said he didn't have a license, so the
game warden said he had to take him and the deer to town.
The game warden helped Jason drag the
300-pound deer out to the road--at which point Jason exclaimed,
"I just remembered--I do have a deer license after all."
You might be a Red Neck hunter if...
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatly.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
If you’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
Your hunting dog has a bigger grave site than your mother.
On a stag night you take a real deer.
You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You have more pet names for your dog than your girlfriend.
You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
The Fishing Business
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented
the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to
catch them.
The Mexican replied "only a little while."
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your
time?",
to which the Mexican fisherman replied, "I sleep late, fish a
little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll
into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my
amigos, I have a full and busy life, señor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat
and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats.
Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all
take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, señor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time
is right you would announce an IPO, sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich. You would make millions."
"Millions, señor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in
the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos."
Tell Your Wife You're Fishing
An old timer in the office Bob, was talking to the NEW GUY, Dave, and
fishing came up. Bob said I've got the best thing going. Every weekend,
I
tell my wife I'm going fishing, but instead I go to a bar with a whore
house upstairs near a lake in the country. Then, I go to the little store
across the street when I'm done and buy some fish to take home for
dinner. Does it work? Hell yes, I've been doing it for years! Well, Dave
decides to try this himself and gets the directions from Bob. That
weekend he tells his wife he's going fishing and off he goes, straight
to the bar and whore house. Being his first time and all, he's a
little unsure about going upstairs, so he has a few drinks. Then he has
a few more. By the time he finally does what he came for, he's really
plowed. As he leaves, he remembers that he's supposed to go to the store.
The following Monday Dave shows up for work with a big bandage on his
forehead and his arm in a sling. Bob says "What happened to
you?" And Dave tells him that the fishing scam didn't work!.
Bob Goes over how to do it step by step and Dave says "Yea, I did
it just like that, except I was so DRUNK that when I got to the store I
messed up on the fish part.
Bob says "What happened?
Dave responds, I don't know but when I got home my wife opened the bag
and beat me senseless with 10 cans of TUNA !
Stranded
Three guys were stranded on a desert Island for several weeks and had
become good friends. One day, while fishing at the beach, they found a
small bottle. On opening it, a cloud of smoke was released and a genie
appeared. The Genie said that it would grant them three wishes for
setting it free and since there were three of them, they could have one
wish each.
The first guy said "Oh, I wish I was back in my beach house, with
my favorite brandy in hand". Poof, he was gone.
The second guy said "I just wish I was back on my usual bar stool
at my favorite bar" and Poof he too disappeared.
The third guy was very quiet. Then slowly he began to cry and sobbed,
"I'm so lonely here all by myself, I wish my two friends were
back." Poof!
Deer Hunters at the Bar
One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was
staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI
violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of
the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars
before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the
bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull
away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded
to know how that could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight
I'm the designated decoy."
Wisconsin Bureau of Tourism Bulletin to Visitors
For those of you from Wisconsin you will enjoy this.
For those of you who are not don't say that you have not been warned!
How to save your ass if you plan to visit Wisconsin this summer.
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge.
It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick
your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan,
Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to
kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's
called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living
here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment
from time to time,but we are not dumb enough to let someone move
to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that
inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad.
And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out
of here or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist.
Eat your steak medium-rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that,
for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an
accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city
hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Chicago,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move
your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and
farm land. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Chicago.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken
to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old
folks because such things are expected of civilized people
Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us
live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense
to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or
LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell
us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will
get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and
you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.
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